Before I begin I must worn you that this post is quite crude and vulgar and offensive, please do not read it and bitch to me later! Just stop now.. Enjoy!
Every now and then I get this odd feeling like hmm I don’t know.. maybe the contraception fairy has abandoned me and something is so very very wrong..
So I do what’s called the Pregnancy Check.
If you have these symptoms you are most likely pregnant or delusional!
Either way you need to see a doctor..
So these aren’t really in order I just go by..
Sore nipples or sore breasts.
Here is a statement from a pregnant woman suffering sore nipples/breasts.
“Your breasts could start to feel tender anywhere from a few days to a few weeks after you become pregnant. “Tender” is pretty much the understatement of the century if you ask me. Mine felt like they were raw, burning, being sandpapered, pricked with a thousand tiny needles (in the shower), and sometimes felt like they were going to POP right off of my body (the nipples would get hard and just stay that way for what felt like an eternity).”
Lovely.. Oh I am SO looking forward to that one..
Increased Cervical Mucus.
That’s just, Mmm.. I don’t think anything sounds good when you add the word “mucus” on the end of it..
You will find creamy goodness in your panties, if you already do, much much more is coming your way!
Next up we have.. *checks notes* Ahh here we are, Fatigue.
You are going to be tired, feeling lazy, no energy to do absolutely anything. (I think this is why teenagers don’t realise they’re pregnant until so late, with all the diseases going around out there any lazy teenager with a rough sex life isn’t going to notice sore breats, weird creamy liquid and fatigue)
Yes, I’m afraid so, you’ve turned into your grandmother and now need to pee a lot more than normal, half the time you’ll only pee for a few seconds, but you will still need to pee 5 minutes later. My advice? Eat some asparagus and stink the house out to get back at that bastard for knocking your ass up!
Oohh oohh next one is my favourite!
Constipation & Wind.
You are one gassy mother fucker, your like a man, your constantly releasing gas and you can’t do anything about it, it’s almost like a bad dream, don’t laugh! That’ll only make it worse.
I’m going to list the boring ones just for knowledge alone.
Change in smell, it’s going to be a bit more sensitive.
Cravings, of weird and strange foods, even dirt and clay (your body is lacking minerals)
Cramping, Mmm.. because you have an alien growing inside you?
Pimples and acne. (Mine never went away)
Colds and nose stuffiness. (Yes that is the correct term “stuffiness”)
Missed your period? Hmm, PREGNANT!
Alright so the last one, is possibly the most interesting and by interesting I mean disgusting.
Change in colour of your vagina. Mhmm, that’s right I said it, VAGINA!. Due to the increased level of blood in the pelvic region, you may find your vagina will appear more purplish than normal. I’ve never really thought that my vagina looked purplish to begin with but hey, that’s just me.
So there you have it! Be mindful to watch for raging purple vaginas, creamy mucus, a slight cold or craving for anything and a need to sleep.